Merlin's Choice
by Angharad-Emrys-Potter-W7
Summary: The first few months after Arthur's death.


Merlin didn't return to Camelot after Arthur's death. He had long since abandoned his magic, as it was magic that had caused the death of his best friend, and many others. Every night am onslaught of nightmares attacked him. He'd wake up screaming, then get on with everyday business, ignring the dried tears on his face.

Merlin wanted to go back to Camelot, but he couldn't face the memory of Srthur, walking the stone corridoors, his red cloak whispering on the ground behind them, sitting at the round table discussing battle tactics with his knights, fighting in his chainmail, carrying out the duties he so loved. He missed Arthur like a never ending torment. Merlin wanted to hear his voice again, wanted to see Arthur, preferably greeting him with some quip about stupidity and cowardness.

The first morning after Arthur's death was difficult. He woke up, childishly wishing the day before's events had been a dream. Reality flooded back to him, and the pain made him double over, his body racked with sobs. Merln decided to go and live i the woods in a self built shelter made from wood, moss, burlap and other materials, nestled under the canopy of trees. He ate fruit from the bushes, pine bark, edible flowers and occasionally he shot a rabbit with his bow and arrow he made himself. Merlin was solitary and away from the real world. He tried to tell himself that thatt was just how he liked it, but he couldn't kid himself.

Merlin would sometimes ride his horse that he'd kept after Arthurs death to the outskirts of Camelot, and staqnd, looking up at the castle. it looked the same as always, huge and handsome and grey, and there was a;ways a black flag fluttering at the top of the tallest tower to signify mourning. he thought of gwen. Maybe he ought to go and see how she was coping? But he wouldn't be accepted. There was no place for him there any more, he thought. He rode away again, his head full of 'what if' and a heavy feeling like guilt in his gut.

Gaius missed merlin a gret deal. Every week he'd make Merlin's favourite meal, just in case. He'd cook the chicken to perfection, chop the vegetabled neatly and stir the gravy so it wasn't too thick or watery. then he'd leave it to congeal on the table. Jus in case merin should come home again. Soon he learnt to keep busy, get on with his duties and avert his eyes from merlin's chambers. he always kepty the door closed, shutting all emotion away behind those walls.

Queen Gwen once visited Gaius. She was worried about shut away her own grief. the peple needed a queen. not a wreck. The funeral was especially difficult. having to sit there, saying goodbye to the man she had loved. How cruel that she should get such a short time with him! She wanted to scream at the people that Arthur wasn't really dead, that Gaius could fix him if they could only find the body. But that was the problem. The coffin was empty of Arthurs body. She couldn;t even kiss him goodbye.

Gwen placed a soothing hmd on Gaius' shoulder, her eyes kind. She looked into his face, heavy with grief, the wise eyes filled with pain and suffering. Gwen's heart went out to him.

"Gaius, I know how this feels. You miss Merlin. Of course you do! He was your companion. Remember, I have lost..him, too, you know." She paused, too choked to continue. "We all miss Merlin." removing her hand from his shoulders, he watched Gaius as he processed this. He smiled gently. The smile seemed almost painful to |Gwen, like a grimace. Like watching a man burn at the stake but putting on a brave face. Gwen returned the smile sadly. She turned and walked out, stopping at the door to remind Gaius: "Well, if you ever need to talk about it, my chambers are always open to you."Gaius lowered his eyes, quietly saying, " I'll be fine, m'lady". gwen knew a lost cause whe she saw one and left, inwardly cursing Morgana to the fiery pits of hell. She had torn apart her life, along with everyone else's, in a selfish attempt to get her 'rightful' place on the throne.

Merlin stumbled throught the woods, rushing to the lake where Arthur was sent off. He dodged under brambledm his face getting scratched by thjorns,the undergrowth trembling beneath his feet. he had seen the dragon soaring through the sky above him and ran after it. he crashed through the trees, skidding in some mud, and lurched into the valley where the lake nestled. it was sparkling grey, the mountains misty and magical. It looked promising, the sort of place where something profound might happen. He was filled with hope. Maybe the dragon had come to tell Merlin that Arthur was to rise again. Why else would he bring him back here?His heart soared at the thought. aybe there was a merciful God after all.

He spotted the leathery hide of the dragon immediately and hastened over to it. The dragon looked at him levelly for a long time with old, wise eyes. Merlin suddenly understood with a jolt. Arthur was not to rise again today. Disappointment rushed through him, wave after wave of loss fresh and new.

Finally the dragon spoke.

"I am disappointed in you, young warlock. I thought you would do the right thing and return to Camelot, when instead, all this time, you have been waloowing in self pity!" he spke in a grave voice.

"You don't understand" Merlin replied dully.

"Yes, I do! Are you questioning my wisdom?"

"No, you don;t understand! Can't you see!?" He was shouting by now "I can't go back to Camelot. It would be too much-" The words caught in his throat. he continued in a calm voice. "There's nothing left for me to do. My destiny was to derve Arthur. I can't serve a dead person!"

The dragon shook his head slowly. Merlin bristled at this; he detested being treated like an ignorant child. The dragon lied down, breathing shallowly. The grass was dark with blood. Merlin's hands fluttered uselessly, but the dragon quelled him with a look.

"My day has come, Emrys, But let me give you a final pice of advice: go back to Camelot. It does not matter if he is alive or dead. Do you think he would have liked that you have abandoned your post!?" Merlin thought. He could hear Arthur now.

_Merlin, you really aren't that stupid, are you? _

"By serving Arthur you served Camelot. you must continue to protect camelot. Go, Emrys."

The ancient eyesd closed and the dragon's breathing slowed to a halt. Mrlin sat there for a few minutes, or hours. he watched the sun sink below the mountains, streaking the sky with red, gradually turning navy blue as the stars came out in the velvet sky.

Merlin realised that this was the last advice and guidance that the dragon had ever given him. The dragon sacrificed his chances of survival by flying to tell Merlin. What if the dragon was right? Was there still hope for Camelot? Maybe he wouldn't have to hide his powers any more. Arthur hadn't accepted them at first, but then he realised that Merlin couldn't help what he was.

Merlin came out of his reverie. He got up, fetched his horse and galloped away from the body. So many people had died. It took Merlin two nights yo travel to Camelot. Two nights of warming his hands on small fires, gazing into the flickering flames, questions flowing through his head. Would Gaius be angry? Did the Queen know about his abilities? Would he be accepted? he was unsure. But it was the dragon's dying wish that he returned to Camelot. How could he deny him that?

Gaius was looking out of his window. it had been three months. three months is a long time to be lonely, he thought drily. He gazed out across the courtyard, over the woods and reached the mountains, where he knew just in front of them the lake would be. The happiness had long since leached out of him. hes tood therem remebering the times he'd had with Merlin. Merlin was like his son. That was when he saw the horse trotting out of the woods with a yound man on it's back. It had appeared out of nowhere, walking out of the sliky green of the woods. The man had a red necktie, a brown coat and a crop of ink black hair. Gaius had the fleeting impression of a robin.

_No_, he thought._It can't be. Am I going mad? Has sheer desperation driven me to hallucinatons?_

His eyes followed the horse as it cantered int the castle courtyard, the horses hooves clopping loudly, causing all the men to turn and stare in disbelief. it must have been his eyes playing tricks on him. All the knights started laughing, shaking the man's hands, and he smiled back, laughing for the first time.

Then Gaius realized. Merlin was real. Merlin was there. Merlin was home.

He hurried down the stairs and through the corridoors , almost tripping over in his haste. He stopped before he crashed in to the huge oak doors at the entrance of the castle. With a strange thrill, Gaius yanked the doors open.

The courtyard was immediately hushed as the two me, old and young, stood and stared at eachother. Gaius couldn't believe how much Merlin had changed, et was still the same. Same blue eyes, same careful stance, same shock of blue-black hair.

On seeing that old face, the man that had fathered him for so long, Merlin ran up the snowy white steps and threw himself and Gaius. Merlin squezzed his eyes shut. Boys don't cry.

And he was s boy again, in need of a father's protection. They withdrew and Gaius held Merlin by his shoulders, smiling his first real smile in weeks. Merlin grinned back, the same impish grin he'd always had. His eyes were rimmed with red and had a watery sheen to them. He took in a deep breath, steadying himself.

_Don't cry, _he thought. But it didn't matter. He was so overwhelmed on seein Gaius again that tears rolled down his cheeks. Behind them, the courtyard started clapping, the whole of Camelot, the whole world, rejoicing at his return, welcoming him back like the prodigal son.

He was back where he belonged.

He was home.


End file.
